Thinking like a mother: How I found the right balance for my development career

I wasn’t thinking like a mother when I went back overseas for the first time after my son's birth. I was so accustomed to development work without a child that when I did have my son, I was the one who couldn’t adapt to my career. I had my son when I was 36. Until then, I had lived and travelled to many countries working on U.S. Agency for International Development-funded projects. Opportunities came quick and unexpectedly, and I was used to taking them at the drop of a hat. I learned three days before moving to Bolivia in 2003 that I would be travelling there for three months, but I ended up staying for nearly two years. I was based in Cochabamba, but the project implementation took place in the Chapare region, where I traveled quite often. Similarly, in 2009, I was out the door in three weeks to be based in Pakistan for nearly a year and a half. The project focused specifically in the Federally Administered Tribal Areas region so, although I was based in Islamabad, I would travel to the other office in Peshawar from time to time. “I was so accustomed to development work without a child that when I did have my son, I was the one who couldn’t adapt to my career.” --— Yassica Ferrer, a business development director at DAI Europe. There were many opportunities like those mentioned above, where I would pick up and go for a few weeks, a few months or a couple of years at a time. Being at the right place at the right time and unattached can be a huge benefit. Fast forward to June 2014. I was now married, living in London and a mother to an almost-1-year-old baby boy. My husband — who works in the same industry — and I had previously agreed that I would pursue the next long-term overseas job opportunity. He would live with us, but continue working and traveling to projects overseas. So I was excited when I was approached about an opportunity in Central America; I had 48 hours to make a decision, and I would have to mobilize within a month. I felt the opportunity was a bit rushed, but they often are. I had done this before. I had held the same type of position before. I knew the drill. What could be so difficult? But I wasn't thinking like a mother. How could I? I had never done my job before as a mother. Suddenly I found myself in a series of situations that forced me to be honest about what I was willing and not willing to do while my son was so young. I learned that I was not willing to leave my son overnight while only one parent was in the country. My job required me to travel to the capital city often to meet with USAID, a four-hour drive. I would also have to travel often to set up a second office in a further remote location or I would have to travel to visit municipalities in unsafe areas. I couldn’t travel at night for safety reasons, so there were many instances where I couldn’t guarantee a return trip the same day. I missed one important meeting, for example, because of an unexpected road block, which I later learned happens often. Did I want to run these risks if it was the other way around? Not being able to come home one evening to my son because I am stuck in a road block and my husband is away overseas on a work opportunity was not a situation I wanted to put myself in. Furthermore, I found myself in a tricky situation when the nanny I had hired resigned. My husband and mother, who had initially traveled to the post with me to help, had already left. The situation gave me a window into what it would be like for my son to spend all his time with a nanny and what it would be like when my husband had to travel often for work. I didn’t like it. Having a full-time nanny sounded quite easy to me at first, especially when you hear positive things about this arrangement from other mothers in the industry. But the location of my post didn’t allow for the social interaction and activities that you may find in a capital city or in another country. The bottom line was that I felt my son was too young to leave with a full-time nanny. I could have continued working and found a new nanny. I knew I could succeed in my job, but I also realized that I wasn’t going to be happy doing that at this stage in my life as a new mom. I had to be honest with myself and find the inner strength to make the decision to resign. It was a very difficult decision to make professionally, but an easier one to make as a mother. As a new mom, I did not want the job anymore — the job that was the right career progression and in the region I had been searching for. I worried about what this would mean for my career, but after much thought and open dialogue with my understanding employer, we all worked quickly to get someone in place before I left. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders — and a lot happier — when I resigned, which confirmed it was the right decision. It was a lot to go through to come to this conclusion, but how many mothers out there feel differently about things they thought were certain after having a child? It happens more often than we realize. The experience I had wouldn’t deter me from taking another overseas assignment, but for now, I’m more comfortable with my focus on motherhood. Below are a few key things I learned: 1. Work out how long you can be away from your child before traveling overseas. Whatever you are willing to do as a mother is the right decision for you. 2. Take the time you need to make a decision to accept an overseas assignment. It’s very easy to get swept up in the pressure of accepting an exciting opportunity. Your decision will impact your whole family. 3. Having a full-time nanny may not work for you. Work out how much time you are comfortably willing to spend with or without your child. Not every mother can leave their child with a nanny full time. I was very happy to return to my home in England, and I haven’t regretted my decision. My son went back to day care a few days per week, and I started to pick up short-term work again (without travel) in the meantime. Motherhood is an evolving learning process, and I’m sure the knowing what the right balance is will change throughout my career. How have you found a work-life balance that works for your family? Leave your comments below or tweet using #DevCouples. 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